Dealing with mental health is something that never goes. You don't get better you just learn to live with it. It's always going to be there inside you, hidden from the outside world. You could be sat next to someone & not have a clue if their ill or not.
I'm not one to speak out about my mental health. I've suffered with depression since I was 15. Everyday I go to sleep feeling drained & dreading waking up in the morning to battle the exact same the next day. Emotions make everything 10x worse. I have no motivation to do anything. If I didn't have to take my kids to school i wouldn't get up in the morning. I'm tired. Luckily I love my job & two amazing children who rely on me who I'm so very proud of.
Each day is tough. I feel worthless & unlovable. I don't like myself very much & haven't done for years & years. I find it hard to talk about what's going on in my mind cuz I feel stupid a lot of the time. I question everything. I believe a lot of it is due to my past, alot has happened to me, alot not very nice. I was sexually abused, raped, suffered a miscarriage, attempt suicide, bullied, self harm & a victim of domestic violence. But I'm still here fighting everyday.
When things gets tough I tend to take out on myself. But I have a roof over my head, 2 beautiful children, a job that I love & amazing friends & family. Living with a hidden illness is a daily struggle but I fight to survive.
My friends would say I'm loud & bubbly. Quite a chatterbox & I am but sometimes life gets tough. Over the years I have made a shell, walls built up around me.
Just recently I started suffering with anxiety, something completely new to me. I had my 1st attack about a year & half ago. It completely came out of the blue. I was terrified, I generally thought I was going to die. I've learnt to count now & tell myself I'm okay but I can't cope with lots of people & loud noise. Big gatherings are a massive thing me, I have to escape for 20mins sometimes just to calm myself down & tell myself I'm going to be Okay!
I now cope with my mental health much easier that I did before thanks to finding a different type of antidepressant, I still don't get much sleep. I wake up on average 7 times. My sleep seems to be get worse over the years but at least the antidepressants stop my past repeating in my heàd finally.
A few months ago I was diagnosed with PTSD, something I knew I was suffering from but just didn't want to admit it. That's hard to deal with, constantly reliving your shitty past but I'm getting there slowly thanks to my counselling. It's early days but I'm getting there slowly. You have to relive the crap times to try & move on & carry on with your life.
While you might think someone is happy & strong, deep down inside they live with a constant battle in there head. One thing I am proud of is for the 1st in a very very long time I am actually content with my life which is a massive achievement for me. I still can't remember what happy is but I will one day. For now I'm like living on my own with my rugrats."
If you are parenting solo and would like a community of lovely mamas to hold your hand through the journey, please join my Rise of The Shewolf Facebook group.