I had a conversation with an old friend at the weekend about feeling really confident in my own skin now, a far cry from when I was "fat, invisible and boring". So Facebook chose to share this 2008 memory with me today, to hammer home that point. I hate this photo. But instead of deleting it or scrolling past, I'm disabling its power.
Ive said it before but I think nowadays it's taboo to not be happy with your body if you are a smaller person. If you weigh less than 11 stone, or are smaller than a size 16, you aren't allowed to be anything other than content. We are all about telling women to love themselves as they are, but that only applies to those who are very short, very tall, bigger, smaller, scarred or flawed or different in some way. If you happen to be average.... forget it. You aren't allowed to whinge.
I might not look "fat, invisible or boring" to other people in this photo, but that is all I can see. This is the biggest I've ever been in my life and it didn't suit me. Didn't make me happy. My jeans dug in painfully to my hips. I wore floaty tops to disguise my muffin top. Lived in hoodies whenever possible.
This photo serves as a timely reminder that I don't want to get complacent again. I've carried, birthed and fed 2 babies since then, but I am much happier stood naked in front of the mirror now than then. I like my body tight and strong and toned. I don't really give a shit if that's not other's idea of healthy, or beautiful. My ex husband loved me either way. My recent ex boyfriend actively tried to fatten me up. But it's not about what other's love me as, it's about me loving myself and being comfortable in my own skin. That's taken a long time, I'm not totally there yet, but I'm working on it.